Part 1 of The Notebook

QUICK!
Before you read another word, write your own FULL name in every box on this page!
Don’t be afraid! Your Notebook™ is meant for writing in!
Hello Alexandra Pan! It’s great to meet you!
Hey, wait a minute. That name sounds familiar!
Alexandra Pan?
Isn’t that the name of a FAMOUS AUTHOR???!!!
Well, is it? Not sure? Maybe one day?
Hey, Alexandra Pan—there’s only one thing that is sure! And that’s this: The answer is in your hands!
Or, to be straight with you, Alexandra Pan, the answer is in this Notebook™!!!!
You want to know how the Notebook™ works?
It’s simple.
We ask questions. You answer them.
And by the time you get to the end of the book, you’re an author – OR YOUR MONEY BACK!!!
Think it’s crazy? Think again. Ever heard of William Shakespeare? Jane Austen ring a bell? How do you think those guys got started?!?!
So. You ready? Let’s dive right in!
How do you KNOW, deep in your heart, that you WILL be an author one day? (Go on, Alexandra Pan, it’s your turn now….)

Wow. Shakespeare and Jane Austen got started with this book? That’s just freakin scary. Centuries of great writing is in my hands. Holy…

Wait. If it got written in Shakespeare’s time, wheres the Old English, huh? Where are all the thou’s and the thy’s and the eth’s??? What a ripoff.

Wonderful!! Now, how do you know you have the determination to see your dream through?

Determination? Me? Heh. Yeah right. I would consider it an accomplishment if I finish this whole thing without burning anything. Well, I DID have the determination to write my full name in all those blanks. Does that count? How does writing your full name 5 million times help me become a writer anyways? Cheap thing.

Okay, great. Now, what was it that made you stop in the bookstore today, pick up this book and take it over to the counter to pay for it?

A very long lapse in judgment.

Interesting. Okay, let’s start with something simple. Look around you right now. Write down a list of everything that you see.

1. A phone that’s ringing. I am not picking it up, because I am lazy and I don’t want to take another message for my mom. Now its bugging the poop outta me. Ok, fine. I’ll answer it.
2. A book thats open. It’s in Chinese, which explains why I cant read a single word of it. Wait, just kidding. I read the word “Hou”. That means behind, or after. Mad Chinese skillz, huh?
3. A green iPod. It’s currently on the song “There’s a Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered, Honey, You Just Havent Thought Of It Yet”. Panic at the Disco = love.
4. A window. Out the window, I can see Jeff’s pool. Eh, guess it’s not Jeff’s pool anymore, is it because he sold his hose. Whatever. At least I can spy on his neighbors soon.

We bet you just wrote down “grass”, “water”, “sky”, etc. etc. Maybe you noticed the coffee cup, but we bet you didn’t get the lipstick stain on the side of the coffee cup! Now, go ahead and try again. Write down EVERYTHING that you see.

Dude, I didn’t see grass, water, sky or a coffee cup. What makes you think I was outside, huh? Why would I take this thing outside, anyways? Besides, I don’t drink coffee. And if I did, there wouldn’t be a lipstick stain on the side of the cup, cos I don’t wear lipstick. The only people who drink coffee in my house are my mom and my dad. My mom is at work, and my dad does NOT wear lipstick. What a crap notebook.

That’s better! Now, do you know the names of any of the plants or animals that are around you?

Are you serious? Did you NOT listen to what I said in the description section? I AM INSIDE. THERE ARE NO PLANTS OR ANIMALS IN HERE. [[Bugger]]

What about some of the colors of the things that you see?

I just called you a bugger. Be very very insulted and stop asking stupid questions, ok?

Let’s pretend that YOU are a character in a book. The book starts with you waking up yesterday morning. Tell us what you did.

The moment I woke up, something was wrong. I felt it in the air. Some people say its a sixth sense that I have; that I can feel when somethings going wrong. The house was quiet. I counted to 5, and slowly sat up and rubbed my eyes. I reached for my glasses and went into the kitchen to get some cereal.

“Hello? Anyone here?” I called out.
“I am!” My sister crawled out from under the couch. I wondered how she had fit under there.
“Something’s wrong.” I told her.
“Yeah, something is.” She agreed. “You’re a sign.”
“Huh? Right. I’m a sign.” I looked down at myself. What kind of sign am I? I wondered. A STOP sign? One that says MOOSE CROSSING? Or one that says OLD CONNETICUT PATH?

Great! So what happened next? Remeber that these are easy questions – it’s not about “making things up.” Your Notebook™ is going to build you toward “invention”. For now, you should just tell the truth!

Well, you coulda told me earlier! I spent a lot of time on that story!

Okay, time for your first QUICK FLICK. These are “memory” exercises that you will find throughout your Notebook™. You’ll really start to look forward to them! Think for a moment, and describe for us your very first day of university.

It was terrible. I was the shortest in the class and these 4 guys beat me up.

What a retard notebook. I’m not in university. I’m in middle school. Thank god.

Tell us the occupation of you best friend. Is he a plumber? Maybe he’s an accountant! Tell us ALL about your best friend!

Ok, two things are wrong with this. A, you’re assuming my best friend is a guy, and 2, you are assuming that she’s a plumber. You want to know what my friends will DO to you if I tell them you called them plumber’s and guys? Sexist.

And I do have one guy friend. He’s not a plumber or an accountant though. All my friends and I are 12/13. And Katie is 15. WE DO NOT HAVE JOBS. AND IF WE DID<>

Well done! That was fabulous!
And guess what? You did it! You finished Part 1 of your Notebook™! We are SO PROUD of you!
Be sure and take a break before you go on to the next Part…

Oh Christ I will need a VERY long break before the next Part.

And, really. If you actually read my answers, you WOULDNT be so proud of me.